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A Ninja Superstar, From Jujitsu Rabbi And The Godless Blonde – The Awl

2020年1月15日 | | in bck体育官网手机版下载

ANinjaSuperstar,From“JujitsuRabbiAndTheGodless?

Blonde”

byRebecca?

Dana

AnexcerptfromtheopeningofjournalistRebeccaDana’snewmemoir,JujitsuRabbiandtheGodlessBlonde:ATrueStory。

ThebooktellsabouttheyearDanaspentlivinginaHasidicneighborhoodinBrooklyn,witharabbinamedCosmo,whileworkingasafashionwriterforTina?

Brown。

It’steno’clockonaTuesdaynight,alightrainisfallingonthewidestreetsofBrooklyn,andI’minmylivingroom,stranglinga?

rabbi。

ThisisthefirsttimeI’veeverphysicallyassaultedamanofGod,andIhavetosay,itfeelsexcellent。

Myfingers,withtheirchippedrednailpolish,arediggingintothesoftwhitefleshofhisrabbi-neck。

Myheartispoundingloudlyinmyears。

Normally,Iamtheleastviolentpersonontheplanet?

—?

apractitionerofyoga,ashopperforshoes?

—?

butinthismoment,I’mcompletelyunhinged。

I’maballerina-assassin,aninjasuperstar,aplatinum-haireddragonslayerinStellaMcCartneyveganloungewear。

Watchoutassholes:JujitsuBlondeisinthehouse。

(Sheliveshere,actually。

ShewastryingtoreadtheDecemberVoguebeforeturninginearlyonaworknight,butthenthisbeardedduderolleduptalkingsmack,andnowshe’sonthepathofdestruction。

)

Somewhereoffinthedistance,someoneisblastingthe10,000Maniacsonawheezingdesktopspeakersystem,andIcanjustbarelyhearNatalieMerchantwhiningaboutsomething,andImakeamentalnotetokickherasssomeday?

too。

Whoisthisguyanyway?

—?

thisHasid,thispillarofhiscommunity,thisginger-hairedfuckerwiththesquintyeyesandtheplaciddemeanorandthebeigeyarmulkethesizeofadinnerplatebobby-pinnedtohishead?

IwanttosmacktheCoke-bottleglassesoffhispaleGod-fearingface。

Hasheeverevenseenthesun?

Icantellhe’swearingtzitzit,areligiousgarment,underneathhisclothesbecausethefringeishangingoutlikesomeshortshamofahulaskirt。

Andthet-shirthe’sgotonoveritisatrip:IthasadrawingofCalvinandHobbesonthefrontandadialoguebubblewiththewords“NewYorkAttitude。

”I’llshowthisgentleYidsomeNewYorkAttitude。

I’llshowhimwhattwohoursadayofIyengaryogaandabachelor’sdegreeinAmericanhistoryandanencyclopedicknowledgeofthelasteightseasonsofready-to-wearfromParis,NewYorkandMilanandadietofsushi,soymilkandorganicspinach?

—?

and,ohyeah,abrokenmotherfuckingheart?

—?

cando。

I’llsendhimbacktoRussiawithacollapsedwind-pipeandno?

knees!

Becausethenightbelongsto?

lovers!

You’renext?

bitch。

Therabbitwistsaroundforty-fivedegreesandlooksatmewithonestrainingeye。

We’rebasicallythesamesize,onlyhehasmorepaddingaroundthemiddle,andhe’swearingsomeheinouspairoffrayedbrownrabbi-shoesthatlifthimupanextrahalf-inch。

ButstillI’mthinking:noproblem。

Idon’tcarehow“chosen”thisflabsteris,he’sgoingdown。

Myhandsaresteelclaws。

Itightenmygrip,takingamomenttocontemplatemyoptions:Woulditbebettertobody-slamhimdownrighthereinthelivingroomordraghislimpcarcassoutintothecourtyardfirstsoeveryonecanwatch?

ThenInoticethemusclesinhisbacktense,and?

—?

uhoh。

Therearemusclesinhis?

back。

Inaninstant,everythingchanges。

HereachesupandgrabsmywristsandperformssomefreakyMortalKombatmaneuver,nearlystrippingthedelicatelyexfoliatedandmoisturizedskinofmyforearmsfromthebone。

Hepullsmetowardhim,intohisdamprightarmpit,andholdsmethereforjustonesecond,justlongenoughthatIcanseethefireinhiseyes,justcloseenoughthatIcansmellhisbreath:pizza。

AndthenwithoutwarningIgodown,Idon’tevenknowhow,likeonebigbagofelbowsclatteringagainstthewoodfloor,blinkeredandspeechless,whileaboveme,CosmotheRabbigrins?

madly。

Everyonehasafight-or-flightresponse,butinthiscase,bothimpulsesstrikemesimultaneously。

Iwanttorunaway,andIwanttoclockhim。

Fightandflight。

Maybeit’saJew-thing。

Observance-wise,CosmoandIareopposites,butinthetechnicalaspect,wearethesame:EqualintheeyesofGodandtheS。

S。

wearebothgeneticallyJews,bothmembersofatribethathasbeenchasedaroundtheworld,kickingandscreaming?

—?

fightingwhilefleeing?

—?

forthelastthreethousandyears。

Millenniaofgeneticimprintingandalifetimeofpoorimpulsecontrolnearlypropelmeintwodirections,athimandaway,butintheendbothloseout,andIsitthere,motionless,holdingback?

tears。

“AtthispointIwouldstomponyourface,”hesayscheerfully。

“Orkickyouinthehead,at?

least。



That’swhathappenswhenyoufuckwithGod。

RebeccaDanaisaformerreporterforNewsweek,TheDailyBeast,theWallStreetJournalandtheNewYorkObserver。

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